On sweetness and the 'everything but the bagel' donut

"If I wanted something sweet, I'd eat a donut." And so I did.

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Sweetness isn’t a taste that I’m looking for when I eat a bagel. But sweetness, it seems, keeps finding me.

As bread items, it stands to reason that bagels can be platforms for sweet flavors. Cinnamon raisin bagels have existed for a long time. We live in the golden age of cockamamie schmear flavors. Montreal-style bagels are a thing.

Still, my fundamental understanding of bagels growing up was that they are savory bread items meant for breakfast, brunch, lunch, or, depending on how your life is going, dinner—certainly not dessert.

That’s because the flavor profile of a bagel was, to me, many things, but never sweet. And if I could detect a sweetness, something had gone terribly wrong.

“If I wanted something sweet, I’d eat a donut” was often my mantra when biting into a bagel and noting overly malty or saccharine flavor. Like many things since starting this newsletter, however, I’ve had several experiences that've made me question the basic assumptions I’ve always taken for granted about what makes a good bagel.

I remember visiting some of the iconic bagel spots in NYC, like Murray’s and H&H, and coming away wondering why they were so malty. Boichik Bagels, which painstakingly tries to reimagine the NYC bagels of yesteryear, offers a hint of sweetness in its bagels. Cynthia Nixon’s cinnamon bagel with lox order has plenty of fans. I got a malty kick from the old-school bagels I ate in London. And it occasionally appears in and around Seattle as well.

And then there are those aforementioned Montreal-style bagels, boiled in honey-sweetened water. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never had a Montreal-style bagel that I’ve enjoyed, but I’m not sure if that’s just because I’ve never had one from one of the iconic shops.

It’s enough to make me wonder, like The Simpsons’ Principal Skinner once did, if I’m simply out of touch, or if there’s a larger issue at play here.

I may not want sweetness in bagels, but clearly there’s a market for it, even if my taste buds refuse to acknowledge its value. I knew that eating more sweet or malty bagels wasn’t going to sway me. Perhaps what I needed to do was push myself to the limit. Find the ‘sweetness event horizon’ and move through it.

“If I wanted something sweet, I’d eat a donut.” So I decided to see it through.

That’s how I ended up at Dough Joy in Capitol Hill to order their “Everything But The Bagel” donut.

Ironically, I’d just had a conversation with my trusted producer about how I don’t think I’ve felt good about eating a donut since 1994. I don’t particularly go for them unless they’re free and offered to me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d finished one and thought anything other than “shouldn’t have done that.”

However, It’s a Shanda isn’t just a hyper-niche newsletter; it’s also a growth opportunity for yours truly. I had been aware of the “everything bagel donut” concept for some time, but it honestly broke my brain too much to consider trying. Everything seasoning mixed with a donut? Who wants this? But then I remember that sweetness isn’t a dealbreaker for all bagel-eaters as it is for me, so maybe there’s something to it that can unlock this flavor prison I’ve put myself in.

Taking in my bagel-themed donut, the everything seasoning is a smattering. Looking at photos of other versions, it seems that there’s usually a heavier hand with seasoning. Still, I can’t imagine any of that flavor can cut through the sweetness of the glaze. Sesame and poppy seeds don’t stand a chance against that sweet, glossy coating. To me, it tasted like a regular glazed bagel (which is not a bad thing as far as these things go).

Apologies, I’d crushed the cream cheese dollop in my bag…

Upon arriving at the center, I was greeted with a dollop of cream cheese. I was curious about how that would interplay with the sweetness of the donut, and I came to find that it was more of a cream cheese frosting, which made sense in retrospect. This was a sweet-on-sweet pairing, which makes sense in this scenario.

I had to stop after a few bites because I was worried blood sugar might start hemorrhaging out of my body. As far as donuts go, it was very delicious. I didn’t come away mistaking it for an everything bagel or even getting any of those flavors, but if you like glazed donuts, I highly recommend trying it out.

Alas, I was right back where I started—sweetness and bagels, passing like ships in the night. Never the twain shall meet in my mind. Perhaps I’ll go to Montreal one day and come away with a complete understanding of the interplay. Or maybe I’ll come to find room for the maltiness in my palette. However, I still don’t see it right now.

If I want something sweet, I’ll eat a donut.

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