The Seattle jalapeño cheddar bagel jamboree: Bagelbop & Einstein Bros.

Apropos of nothing, I thought a lot about Friedrich Nietzsche this week.

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If you squint, you’ll see the Space Needle back there saying ‘Leave me out of this…’

“The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn’t to search for meaning. It’s just to keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you’ll be dead.” - Mr. Peanutbutter, “Bojack Horseman”

Welcome back to The Seattle Jalapeño Cheddar Bagel Jamboree. You can read the previous entries here, here, here, here, and here. Full rankings can be found at the bottom of the post.

While there are one or two Seattle JCBs left that hold potential promise, I fear that much of the remaining bagels represent a stygian nightmare of my own making. The kind of experiences that make one question whether or not free will was a mistake.

Nietzsche said, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Then again, he also said, “Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.”

Anyway, here are my thoughts on some bagels.

As a reminder, while my general bagel rankings are based on whims and vibes, I’m handing out actual scores in the jalapeño cheddar rankings. Each bagel will get a score from 1-5 on Bagel Quality, Jalapeño Factor, Cheesiness, Middle, and Overall Experience, as well as an Intangibles bonus (which can add or remove points to the overall score). I’ll add all those points for a Total Score out of 25.

Initial Thoughts

Let’s begin with Bagelbop. We’ll get into it but the crustiness of the baked cheese strips was… confusing. It was also pretty clear they were going with the jalapeño pepper bit strategy, which is always risky. Not only that, but I noted some red pepper bits in there as well. Bold! This is not what I expect to see when I think of a jalapeño cheddar bagel and I was admittedly very skeptical.

The Einstein Bros. JCB had many traditional characteristics that one would expect to see. I certainly took note of the askew placement of the ingredients. I also couldn’t miss the beige color of the bagel itself (we’ll get to the bottom…). I didn’t have much hope heading into this one, though I had to admit the ingredients were all present to surprise me.

Bagel Quality

The Bagelbop bagel was a good size and featured a small, tight center. While I got a slight crinkle from pressing on the hardened cheese, the top of the bagel itself was soft throughout. There was some noticeable blistering around the edges and a little bit on top. The bottom of the bagel was very soft. I noted some cornmeal baked into it, but not quite a Cornmeal Ring of Doom (CRoD). There was also a slight oily residue on the bottom, as tends to happen with JCBs. The bite was doughy and offered no crunch or crispness. There was also no rebound on the bite. We’ll get into the other flavors shortly but the bagel itself lacked any character to stand on its own.

Score: 1.5 out of 5

The Einstein Bros. bagel was slightly larger than normal. At first glance, it did not appear to feature a hole (which I later confirmed). It was very soft to the touch on top.

Now, I’m not saying this is a family-friendly newsletter by any means, but I do try to keep things a bit kosher. That said, I don’t know what the f@$% was going on with the bottom of this thing.

What? Why? How? When? Who?

As far as how it tasted, I strongly believe that if I had been blindfolded and asked if I thought what I was eating was a bagel, I would have said no. It had what I describe as a “blank” flavor and more closely resembled the feel of really cheap bread.

Score: 0 out of 5

Jalapeño Factor

The Bagelbop bagel not only went with the ever-risky jalapeño bit strategy but doubled down by putting the pepper bits into the dough instead of placing them on top. That made it impossible to figure out how many peppers were included in the JCB. Interestingly, they also included red jalapeño peppers, which you rarely see. I couldn’t tell you which peppers did what but my initial bite did provide some decent heat. That said, that heat oddly dissipated with each successive bite, peppers or no peppers.

Score: 2 out of 5

The Einstein Bros. bagel had strong jalapeño slice coverage. I counted eleven in total, including a slice dangling along the side, which is a good showing. That said, they were very centralized. It would have been helpful to maximize the spread across the entire bagel. Biting into the peppers, I got some good jalapeño heat. I wouldn’t say they were the freshest peppers I’ve ever eaten, but they did the job asked of them.

Score: 3.5 out of 5

Cheesiness

I’m not sure I can properly explain the deal with the cheese on the Bagelbop bagel. The extremely baked driblets and strings were odd-looking, to say the least. When I tried to think about how to describe it, the phrase that popped into my head was “fossilized.” The cheese offered a little crinkle on the touch. As for flavor, that was non-existent. I don’t know if it started as flavorless cheese or the flavor was baked out of it, but it essentially acted as a texture point and nothing more.

Score: 0 out of 5

Einstein Bros. employed the cheese slice method. Unfortunately, it was a little askew when they placed it, so one side featured crispy, bubbly cheese, and the other was completely bare. The area that had been well-baked was a little crinkly to the touch. There was something weird about the cheese’s flavor. I didn’t get any cheddar notes. Instead, there was an odd tanginess. Any bite that didn’t include a jalapeño slice just tasted… weird.

Score: 0.5 out of 5

Middle

Since the Bagelbop bagel went with those overbaked cheese strips and jalapeño bits in the dough, there wasn’t anything of note going on in the middle. It was just a regular center.

Score: 0 out of 5

While it was obvious from the bottom that the Einstein Bros. “bagel” did not, in fact, have a center, I had to eat my way through the block of jalapeños on top to confirm there was no attempt at a middle on top either. Again, what the heck is this bread product? It’s not a bagel, that much I do know. At least there were a bunch of peppers on top to make it a jalapeño bomb.

Score: 1 out of 5

Overall Experience

The general expectation when ordering a jalapeño cheddar bagel is that you’re going to get the pungency of the cheese, the heat of the peppers, and a soft but capable bagel to deliver each punchy bite to you. Aside from an initial jalapeño kick that quickly subsided, the Bagelbop bagel delivered none of that.

Score: 0.5 out of 5

On paper, the Einstein Bros. bagel has all of the factors that one would hope for from a JCB. There was ample jalapeño slice placement. A layer of cheddar cheese spread across the top with bubbling and crispy spots. The bagel offered a soft but steady feel. And yet, biting into it, the cheese was strange and the bread product failed to meet the basic requirements to be called a bagel. I did appreciate the amount of jalapeños present, which offered some solid heat and flavor, but one out of three ain’t gonna cut it.

Score: 1 out of 5

Intangibles

N/A for both.

Final Score

With a total score of six out of 25, I suppose the best thing I can say about Einstein Bros.’ jalapeño cheddar bagel is that at least it’s not Bagelbop’s, which garnered a total score of four.

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster,” said Nietzsche. “For when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.”

Whatever complaints and frustrations I might have when it comes to eating all of these bagels, I have no choice but to admit that it is a jalapeño cheddar bagel jamboree of my own making. And all I can do is keep eating.

Seattle Jalapeño Cheddar Bagel Jamboree Rankings (12/18)

1. Little Rachel’s (22.5)

2. Backyard Bagel (20.5)

3. Loxsmith Bagels (20)

4. Cafe Argento/Safeway (15.5)

5. Rubinstein Bagels (14)

6. Westman’s (6.5)

7. Einstein Bros. (6)

8. Blazing Bagels (5.5)

9. Bagelbop (4)

Thanks for actually reading this far. If you enjoyed my bagel review and want to read more of them, make sure you’re subscribed to It’s A Shanda. Know someone in the Greater Seattle Area (or beyond) who would appreciate way-too-detailed reviews of local bagels? Please forward the link their way.