Can I get a good Portland bagel at... Bernstein's Bagels
Can I get a good Portland bagel at... Bernstein's Bagels
Bon Appétit says this is one of the best bagels in America. Let's see...
Welcome to It’s A Shanda, one Northeastern Jew’s quest to find a decent bagel in Seattle (and beyond). If you’re interested in taking this journey with me, make sure you subscribe so you never miss a review. If you want to ensure I review any specific bagels (or want to let me know why I’m wrong), you can email me at seanmatthewkeeley@gmail.com.
In trying to figure out which Portland bagels I needed to try as part of the review process, I turned to the people one must turn to in times of great difficulty and concern: Rabbis.
Specifically, the five rabbis who judged all of Portland’s boiled bagels to figure out the best ones. Of the 14 bagels they rated, two were head and shoulders above the rest. There was the winner, Bundy’s Bagels, and then Bernstein’s Bagels coming in right behind them. I saw conflicting reports about whether or not Bundy’s is still around, so I figured the best bet was to head in Bernstein’s direction.
“Math nerd–turned–jazz saxophonist” Noah Bernstein and “psych crooner folk band” musician Peter Hurteau were veterans of the Portland music scene who, around 2015, decided it was time to pivot in the only direction that made sense: Bagels. Like so many other bagelpreneurs, they started with farmers’ market stands and popups where they made their reputation. That eventually led to a tiny brick-and-mortar outpost in 2017 where success and growth necessitated a larger location. They moved into their current home at 816 N Russell Street in December 2018.
At the time their plan was to keep both locations.
“In a perfect world, the building doesn’t sell, we get to stay and hang out there every day; we love St. Johns,” Bernstein said at the time. “Worst case scenario, it gets sold, it becomes something dumb, and we have a beautiful spot on N Russell.”
Apparently, it became something dumb because they only have the Russell Street spot now.
Since then, Bernstein’s has crafted a strong reputation as one of the better bagels in town. What’s the secret? Adhering to tradition is a big part of their appeal.
“The vibe is chill and friendly … lest you ask for a “raisin bagel” and the Bernstein counter-service snarl unfurls,” wrote Portland Monthly’s Karen Brooks. “You are in purist territory: traditional ingredients, traditional methods (slow-rise dough; boiling or else; hand-rolled, a rarity these days; and topped with classic seeds or salt). And god love them for it. These are the bagels we’ve been waiting for.”
However, while the bagel flavors stay true to the classics, the schmears are a different story.
“While bagels are traditional, schmears are playful and seasonal, spiked with the likes of Mama Lil’s spicy peppers or honey-soaked raisins,” wrote Brooks. “But cream cheese gets a different, disastrous, treatment for bagel sandwiches—whipped into a big-hair frenzy somewhere between mayo and whipped cream. To eat them is to feel like a Looney Tunes character closing a suitcase: push on one side, and everything shoots out the back. Instead, the Team Bagel (a.k.a. “what the staff eats”) is the way to go, a beautiful calculus of butter, cukes, onion bite, and, for the pork Jews among us, prosciutto.”
Bernstein’s Bagels certainly has the bona fides and the hype. So much so that they recently made Bon Appétit’s list of the best bagels in the U.S. I guess we better try them.
And if you want to know how I define a good bagel, you can find that here.
WHAT I ORDERED
Plain bagel as-is
Everything bagel with chive cream cheese.
THE EXPERIENCE
Walking up to Bernstein’s Bagels shop, the first thing I noticed was the “Hot Bagels” sign in the window. That’s an East Coast staple that you rarely see out here. It’s the perfect nostalgic iconography that signals you know what you’re doing. It's a good sign, literally and figuratively.
Inside the space, a former craft cocktail bar, there are many great touches, including a white-tiled counter and a wall covered in hand-painted art nouveau wallpaper that you just have to admire.
The bagel baskets were simple and classic. Eight flavors, including a caraway seed bagel (bold!). After you order, you can watch people rolling the next batch of bagels right there. It felt like a great neighborhood bagel spot and checked all the boxes of what I thought a Portland bagel shop might be like.
UPON FIRST GLANCE
At a glance, I thought the bagels had a very classic look. The holes were bigger than I feel like you usually see these days, so I wondered what kind of impact that might have on eatability. They also appeared to be slightly on the smaller side, but not so much that it seemed like anything to worry about.
A bagel on its own costs $2.25 while a bagel with plain cream cheese comes in at $3.75, and flavored schmears on a bagel will get you to $4. A baker’s dozen will run you $26. Those are pretty good prices for PNW bagels and slightly below what you might usually see in Seattle.
TOP
The top of the plain bagel featured a light golden brown color with a darker edge along one side. The top had a mixture of small and larger blisters all over. It was mostly soft to the touch with a few crinkle points, especially where the big blisters were present. The shape was very uniform all the way across with a sizable hole in the middle and a slightly smaller overall size.
The everything bagel had a fairly strong seed hand though it was a little uneven in terms of distribution. The seasoning did include salt, AS GOD INTENDED, as well as caraway seeds, a bold and classic addition. This bagel top was soft to the touch, very uniform all the way across, and slightly smaller than the norm. It also featured that larger hole, which made for a very hearty schmear depository.
BOTTOM
The bottom of the plain bagel had a nice color pattern and featured some intriguing crevices. It was a bit soft to the touch, however. I noted a slight Cornmeal Ring of Doom but nothing to be concerned with.
The bottom of the everything bagel was a bit browner and had some nice coloring throughout. Not much of the seeding got onto the bottom and it was very soft to the touch as well.
INSIDE/BITE
The plain bagel offered a tough rip in a good way. I noted a strong sourdough smell inside. The bite was pretty good and included a little bit of crinkle thanks to those blisters. “Good chew,” I wrote in my notes. The interior was slightly dense and pillowy but not fluffy. I continued to detect little whisps of crispness with each bite. Overall the bagel was definitely on the softer side but if you like a very chewy bagel this is the one for you.
The everything bagel with chive cream cheese offered up a ton of flavor on the bite. Those caraway seeds really come through in a way that adds to the equation without overwhelming anything else. The cream cheese, which also included some garlic and lemon, was extremely flavorful and paired well with the everything seasoning. There was a lot going on in this bagel but somehow it all came together. The schmear was also very cold, so it remained relatively sturdy with each bite, though it did get a little messy there at the end. There wasn’t much texture on the bite and it featured a tough chew, but I didn’t mind that at all. The flavor kept me coming back until I finished it off.
FINAL THOUGHTS
The bar has been set for Portland bagels and I have to say that it’s pretty high. I thought Bernstein’s Bagels lived up to the hype, though I think there are definitely Seattle bagels on the same level, if not a little higher. I’m a little concerned that I might have started with the best bagel in town and it’s all downhill from here. I guess we’ll find out.
Is It Good Enough For The Goys?
While Bernstein’s was high on the aforementioned rabbi ranking, it didn’t seem to show up too high in a lot of the other Portland rankings I’ve seen out there. I’m a little concerned that the local goyim don’t know how good they have it. The ones that have found this place are in very good shape.
Is It Good Enough For Northeastern Jews?
I’d say so. Eventually, I’ll create a separate Portland bagel ranking, but for now, if they were located in Seattle I would probably have Bernstein’s Bagels in the Old Salt/Oxbow/Loxsmith range. So that’s certainly in my zone of “places I would feel comfortable bringing my mother,” the highest honor a Jewish son can bestow.
MY SEATTLE BAGEL RANKINGS SO FAR (11/5/23)
OUTSIDE SEATTLE BAGEL RANKINGS
The Bagelry (Bellingham)
Howdy Bagel (Tacoma)
Coquette Bake Shop (Bainbridge Island)
Good Bagels Cafe (Anacortes)
Otherside Bagel Co. (Bellingham)
Whidbey Island Bagel Factory (Mt. Vernon, Whidbey Island)
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