How do we define a good bagel here?

To toast or not to toast...

If this newsletter is going to be about identifying good bagels, then the first thing we need to do is lock down the criteria for what a good bagel actually is. There are plenty of delis, bagel shops, markets, diners, and pop-ups that would have you believe theirs is the best bagel in town (and, perhaps, as good as New York!), but until you know what it is you’re supposed to be looking for (and biting into) then how do you really know?

(And we’re going to pause right here to admit that this is ultimately the opinion of one white Jewish guy who thinks he’s more of an authority than he actually is. So, you know, take it or leave it.)

Photo Credit: djwtwo

What Should the Top of My Bagel be Like?

We begin where all bagel experiences begin. With how it looks. When you’re browsing the bagel case or looking at photos on their Instagram page, there are certain characteristics you’ll want to be looking for.

Ideally, we want the top of the bagel to be slightly crispy, a little shiny, and somewhat browned. You know those little bubbles you sometimes see on bagels? That’s a good sign! That means the bagel was boiled and then baked at a high temperature. You can expect the bagel to have a little crunch when you see that, which is what we’re going for here. The bagel top should never be soft.

If your bagel top is so smooth you could run your hand across it without feeling an imperfection, that’s not definitely bad news, but it isn’t exactly the ideal scenario either. That said, a smooth, light exterior is often the first sign of trouble.

What Should the Bottom of My Bagel be Like?

The bottom of your bagel certainly shouldn’t look like the top. If it’s exactly the same upside down as right-side up, it’s gonna get side-eyed. Because of the baking process and the high heat that comes with good bagel-making, the bottom should be crispy to the point where it feels very firm to the touch. There’s a crispy spectrum to play with here but you almost want the bottom of a bagel to crackle when you bite into it.

We’re not looking for it to be burnt by any means, but we want to know that this bagel has been through it a little bit. If the bottom is soft or doughy, that’s a red flag.

Photo Credit: woodleywonderworks

What Should the Inside of My Bagel Be Like?

So by now, you’ve sliced your bagel (correctly and not like some nudnik from St. Louis) and you’re looking at what lies beneath. Below that crispy exterior is a dense interior that finds a delicate balance between soft and chewy. It should not be easy to bite through a bagel, but it also shouldn’t be a desperate challenge for your jaw either. We’re looking for the vinyasa flow of bagels, not the Bikram yoga.

Often, this is the Achilles heel of bagel makers. A bagel looks decent enough but then you bite into it and there’s no give, or there’s way too much give, or there’s just something off about the consistency, or there’s not enough “there” there.

How Big Should My Bagel Be?

During a recent trip back to New Jersey I was astounded by how large some of the local bagels were. These things were massive mounds and the quality suffered for it. It wasn’t until I got back to New York City that I was reminded how a bagel’s size makes a big difference.

Usually, mediocre bagel places tend to overcompensate and make their bagels a little bigger than they should be. It makes sense. If we can’t give you something good, we’ll at least give you something “more than.”

There’s a great deli in Skokie, Illinois called Kaufman’s that has some of the best bagels in Chicagoland but they’re strangely small. It’s a bagel that I can grip my entire hand around, which isn’t quite right.

I’ve seen some people say that a bagel should have the perimeter of a softball. Perhaps. To me, the “correct” size of a good bagel is hard to quantify. But in the words of Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart describing pornography, “I know it when I see it.”

Photo Credit: nsfmc

Should I Get My Bagel Toasted?

A question that has plagued bagel eaters for generations. Some people have gone their entire lives seeing a toasted bagel as a shande. Others have never known a world where you would eat an untoasted bagel.

Toasting a bagel is something of an equalizer for bad bagels and likely a major reason why you think you’ve been eating good bagels your whole life. It can elevate a bad bagel into something much more edible, or at least into a solid schmear delivery system.

I think the J. Kenji López-Alt’s answer to whether or not a bagel should be toasted sums it up best:

“Toasting is the bagel equivalent of making everyone wear blindfolds and Spanx at an orgy. You may still enjoy yourself, but you'll never really know the quality of what you just tasted.”

To ultimately answer this question, we need to re-pose it. While many would disagree with me, I don’t inherently think it’s terrible to toast a bagel. However, a great bagel does not NEED to be toasted, and therein lies the rub. If you can’t eat that flavorless starch mound without toasting it, it’s not good. And if a bagel place toasts bagels without giving you the option, they’re telling you everything you need to know.

For this grand experiment, we will not be ordering toasted bagels.

Which Flavor Should I Order?

Hey, whatever turns your schmear gears. As a longtime fan of plain bagels, I don’t think there’s any shame in going classic, especially when trying to determine the quality of a bagel place.

Some will tell you the only acceptable bagel flavors are plain, everything, egg, pumpernickel, onion, and poppy seed. We’re not gonna be that stingy here, though if your bagel shop’s big draw is rainbow colors and wacky flavors like “french toast,” we’re giving you the stinkeye. You’re clearly overcompensating.

I do want to take a moment to shout out the everything bagel, which is what I’ll be using as my go-to for making decisions when possible. I’ve had a lot of everything bagels in my day and I try my best not to be a stick in the mud but there are a few things that we need to be clear on.

A good everything bagel should include dehydrated onion, garlic, poppy seeds, sesame seeds, and salt. If you want to throw in caraway seed because you’re a completist, have at it. But these are pretty non-negotiable, in my opinion. I recently had an everything bagel that did not include salt (we’ll get to it) and, frankly, it threw off the whole game. There are certain expectations and missing one of these ingredients messes with them.

Also, you can’t just throw other random ingredients on there and call it an everything bagel. That’s a specific thing. I’ll never forget when I got an everything bagel from Reno in Chicago. The first thing I noticed was that it was covered in oats. The second thing I noticed is that it did not include most of the aforementioned ingredients. I’m not saying you can’t serve that bagel, but that’s not an everything bagel. That’s an “oats & whatever” bagel.

We can debate the merits of cinnamon raisin bagels another day.

Photo Credit: Andrew Mason

What Schmears Should I Order?

Again, I’m not here to be the schmear police (coming this Fall to Peacock). But just like with bagel flavors, some classics are classics for a reason.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with some plain cream cheese, but if you want to get “crazy,” go ahead and slather on some scallion cream cheese, vegetable cream cheese, garlic & herb cream cheese, and jalapeno cream cheese, etc.

For what we’re doing here, we’re gonna usually go with a scallion or chive cream cheese, depending on what’s available.

How much cream cheese is too much cream cheese? It’s another question that has plagued bagel eaters for generations. Again, this is an area where some places overcompensate by slathering a mound of cream cheese on there. There’s such a thing as too much and if you’re biting into a bagel and constantly fearing for your life that a glob is about to land on your lap, it’s too much.

And by the way, nothing wrong with a good, old-fashioned bagel and butter. We might consider that to be the secondary way of determining a good bagel place because while butter can be tasty, it’s mild enough that it doesn’t leave the bagel with too many places to hide.

Thanks for actually reading this far. If you enjoyed my Seattle bagel review and want to read more of them, make sure you’re subscribed to It’s A Shanda. Know someone in the Greater Seattle Area (or beyond) who would appreciate way-too-detailed reviews of local bagels? Please forward the link their way.