The Seattle Freeze is real, but is it?

Just as some people think Seattle doesn't have good bagels, there's a perception that we're all a bunch of anti-social loners.

Welcome to It’s A Shanda, one Northeastern Jew’s quest to find a decent bagel in Seattle (and beyond). Along with free bagel reviews every Monday-ish, we also offer weekly bonus posts. If you’re already subscribed, I hope you’ll consider upgrading to a paid subscription! Thank you for reading.

Credit: naql

I had myself a nice little spring Seattle morning on Thursday.

I left my home around 7:00 a.m. and took a casual walk through the quiet residential neighborhoods of Capitol Hill en route to the gym. Along the way, I stopped at a market, as I often do, to grab a protein bar or beverage. After my workout, I made my way down the hill into Madison Valley and found the line at Mt. Bagel to be only several people deep. I ordered a few bagels and some spicy scallion cream cheese (Sidenote: no one wanted to tell me they do pumpernickel now?).

I’ve written before about how much I love walking in residential neighborhoods. I think it’s the best way to really get to know a place. Seattle is especially great for this as a city full of eclectic neighborhoods, blending architectural styles and ever-evolving retail corridors.

These walks are meditative for me but one of my favorite aspects is listening to podcasts or music. I was recently on an audio drama kick and would absolutely devour whole shows on long walks across the city (I highly recommend “The Left Right Game” and the PNW-based “Tanis”). And I listen to music if I’m not in the mood for podcasts. I have admittedly weird musical tastes that swing wildly between genres. Right now I’m swinging back and forth between Sleep Token and Ethel Cain.

The point is, if I’m walking, I’m wearing headphones and probably in my own world. I’m not oblivious to the world around me, but I’m very much enjoying the experience on my own terms. But that doesn’t mean I’m not interacting with those around me. I am constantly in the vicinity of other people (sometimes despite my best efforts) and engaging with them in some way.

Take this morning, for instance.

During my walk, I passed several people on the sidewalk. Some smiled, some said hello or good morning, and some didn’t acknowledge me. When I stopped at the market, I engaged in a well-worn routine with the cashier. We see one another, say hello, and I grab my snack and pay for it. He tells me to have a nice day, and I tell him the same. As I was leaving, I saw a man walking towards the market. I opened the door for him, though he did not acknowledge it. From the gym to Mt. Bagel, I pass several more people and more than a few dogs, all of whom I try to make meaningful eye contact with (the dogs, not the people). I exchange smiles with one person. Another pedestrian keeps her head down while she passes me. At Mt. Bagel, I give the person in front of me a nod when I arrive. Inside, the cashier asks what I’d like and calls me “friend.” We exchange small talk and pleasantries before I leave. And on my way home, I passed a few more people, some of whom offered polite smiles while others didn’t.

I’ve recently noticed an uptick in social media conversations about human interactions. A few weeks back, X and Bluesky went cuckoo bananas over whether it was okay to wear headphones on a plane (which at one point was called “fascist”), culminating in a discussion about whether you should be required to talk to the person sitting next to you.

More germane to this newsletter, I’ve been coming across a lot of videos about the Seattle Freeze and why Seattleites should say hello to everyone they see on the street and stop being so anti-social. This is nothing new; this discussion seems to pop up on every social media platform once every few months. However, something about how the most recent debate has been framed admittedly got my hackles up. I can’t quite tell if it’s a Gen-Z thing, a reaction to our current political climate, or newer transplants responding to their perception of Seattle life. Whatever it is, the way that many of these videos attempt to shame Seattleites into being more outgoing or “friendly” really rubbed me the wrong way.

I am, as well documented, from the Northeast, and I have long championed the notion of “annoyed efficiency.” Here’s what I wrote back in 2023 when describing my favorite bagel shop growing up:

When I lived in Chicago, a Lyft driver once asked me what I missed about living back East. I told him that I missed the “annoyed efficiency” of East Coast delis, pizza places, and bodegas. That sense that, even if the store is empty, the person behind the counter had no time for you and your nonsense, so you better get your order out ASAP, so they can conclude this entire transaction within seconds. They’re not mad at you, they just have better things to do than continue dealing with you. I came to appreciate its ruthless effectiveness and it is perhaps why the “Seattle Freeze” doesn’t bother me.

It’s a cliche, but you’ve probably heard someone talk about how certain places are “nice but not kind” and others are “kind but not nice.” I’ve always understood the former as the Midwest (i.e., “Minnesota nice”) and the latter as the Northeast (or NYC, at least), though I’ve also heard other versions. It’s an oversimplification, of course, but having lived in both, I tend to agree with the overall sentiment.

Credit: Seatle Parks & Rec

I find the “kind but not nice” mentality to be mostly true here in Seattle. I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. I know I will get that classic Seattle snooty barista experience in some of them. In others, I know that the baristas will be effusive and chatty. Oftentimes, I am surrounded by customers who, like me, want to put their headphones in and get to work. Other times, I’m surrounded by friends immersed in conversation, awkward first dates, and locals making small talk with familiar faces.

I’ve come to believe from my many years of writing on the internet that people will see what they want. You can write 100 positive things about a topic, but if someone thinks you’re being negative, they’ll find that one critical article. When you’re predisposed to a particular notion, your brain often goes out of its way to prove it while discarding all the evidence to the contrary.

There’s an episode of the Netflix show “Orange is the New Black” that has always stuck with me. It’s the 11th episode of season three, which focuses on Joe Caputo, who becomes the warden of Litchfield Penitentiary. The episode flashes back to several times in his life when he tried to be the “nice guy” only to see it blow up in his face. All of this led to him becoming self-centered and victim-y when things don’t go his way. The episode culminates with someone telling him, "You can't spend your whole life holding the door open for people and then being angry when they don't thank you. Nobody asked you to hold the f*cking door."

I was reminded of that after seeing several of those videos complaining about friendliness in Seattle because it’s ultimately about expectations. When you bring an expectation to most situations, you’re setting yourself up for failure because you can’t control the outcome. So when you walk down Broadway or Pike and have an internal need for everyone you pass to say hello or doff their cap in your direction, you’re the one who is falling short, not them.

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Something I’ve always wanted from the place I call home is that feeling that you’re known. I’ve moved around a lot, so it’s been difficult to cultivate that kind of experience.

Recently, while walking my usual daily route, I realized I’d finally found what I was looking for here in Seattle.

At the coffee shop I frequent, they know my order as soon as I walk in. They key in my member number at the local market without even asking me for it. Thanks in large part to this newsletter, there are several bagel places around town I can walk into, immediately get recognized, and start up a conversation with the owner.

Community is what you make of it, Seattle Freeze or no Seattle Freeze. There might be places where the people you pass on the street are more social or “nicer,” but it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy to say that’s why you can’t find what you’re looking for.

Thanks for actually reading this far. If you enjoyed my bagel review and want to read more of them, make sure you’re subscribed to It’s A Shanda. Know someone in the Greater Seattle Area (or beyond) who would appreciate way-too-detailed reviews of local bagels? Please forward the link their way.